Exhale

I just had an experience that I’m having a hard time putting into words…but I’m going to try.

I went down by the lake here at our house in Maine to take this super peaceful video. Once I got what I had come for, I turned around and took a few steps back in the direction of the house and I stopped in my tracks. I realized I hadn’t even seen what was just in front of me. I had looked at it through this tiny screen, but I hadn’t truly experienced it. I turned back around and sat myself down on the earth at the edge of the lake. I looked around and began taking in the world around me…and then I thought…I probably look super peaceful sitting here…I should take a video! And so I tried setting up my camera against a tree and couldn’t get quite the right angle, and so I set it down on the ground and it shot off down the slope, straight into the water! I jumped into the ankle-deep water to snatch my phone up from the bottom of the lake, dried it off, blew out all the speakers and outlets , and once I made sure it was okay and the panic had settled, I looked up to the sky and said, “okay, I get it.”

And so I sat back down, placed my phone on the ground behind me and began to center myself again in everything that was happening around me. I could hear the water lapping against the shore, the crickets and birds chirping, the rustle of a tiny creature nearby. I could feel the support of the earth beneath me and the energy of the wind as it swirled around me. I just smiled to myself. And I could feel my heart smile too. How had I almost walked away from all of this without experiencing it?

I sat like this for a few moments and then took my mala made of Tiger’s Eye (a symbol of groundedness) from around my neck. I realized I hadn’t meditated with my mala in months. I began to say my mantra with each bead…I am here now. I am here now. I am here now.

Where had I been? It was almost as if I was comforting a child that needed consoling, but it was my inner self instead. I am here now. Everything is going to be okay.

About halfway around my mala, I began to feel this in every cell of my body. I went to place my left hand on my knee and subconsciously placed it with my palm facing up, the position for receiving. I’ve never placed my palms like this. I always place them palms-down, the position for grounding. I’ve always felt like that’s what I needed. More grounding. I needed to keep my energy internal.

But in that moment, I opened up myself to receive from the world around me. I smiled the biggest smile and spoke the words “I am ready to receive whatever life has to offer me.” And at that exact moment, this huge gust of wind came from across the lake, like the energy I had summoned (I can’t make this shit up.) I began to laugh and then tears began to form in my eyes. IF anyone saw me they definitely would’ve thought I was insane. I looked out over the water and what seemed like a drop of water hit the surface and rippled across the lake…and the tears just started flowing. It was as if the universe was giving me permission to cry. It was as if everything that’s happened in my life over the past few years had built up inside of me and then in that moment of peace, I was able to finally let it all go.

When I finished my 108 mantras, I took a deep breath in, and then on my exhale, another huge gust of wind hit me. It was as if I had been holding my breath all this time and I was finally able to exhale everything I was holding on to, the whole world alongside me.

Again, I inhaled peace, tranquility, love, connection, and happiness. And I exhaled pain, sadness, discontent, and suffering.

I am here now. Everything will be okay.