Woah…how has it already been two years since my last post??
It’s been a long time (apparently) since I’ve been able to sit with my emotions and thoughts long enough to put them into writing whether it’s for my eyes only or to share with the whole world. They were too dark and scary for so long that I felt I had to desensitize myself to them in order to just make it through each day. My main outlets for this were alcohol, Netflix, sleep, and endless scrolling on social media. After a while I had completely dulled my mind, but unfortunately with that went all the good thoughts too. I just felt numb.
I know this is frowned upon nowadays, but I found the love of my life and my low points started to become fewer and farther between. I say this is frowned upon because there’s this new pressure to love yourself fully and be perfectly content by yourself before getting into a relationship which I can understand to an extent. But I know if I waited until I was perfect, I would never allow myself to be happy. I needed someone there to help guide me in bringing happiness and fun back into my life, and no one was better to do that than Axel.
I went into the relationship cautiously because I tend to be someone to rush into a relationship and push it to its furthest extent until it explodes in my face. I also didn’t want to depend on him all the time in order to be happy. I consider myself a very independent person and the thought of that was scary. I can’t say it didn’t happen sometimes at first, but I occasionally needed some of the burden of making it through the day to be lifted off my shoulders and he has always been so good at that.
Anyways, we’re now five months into a global pandemic and I was terrified at first when we were quarantined because I thought FOR SURE I was going to spiral back into depression. I was able to keep my head above water for a few months because I was working on starting my own business and had put my brain to work. I was definitely using my busyness as another escapist tactic, because recently I hit a wall with productivity and went to a very dark place. This low point lasted for about a month. I felt like I couldn’t get myself to do any basic things throughout the day, the negative self talk got super loud, and I couldn’t even pick up a paintbrush to work on the only thing that’s actually providing me with an income right now.
I feel like I’m finally working my way out of it (with a tactic I’ll share on Instagram), but I felt the need to share this because I got a lot of DM’s congratulating me and people impressed with what I’ve been able to do during this global pandemic. I felt it was irresponsible to share all the good without shedding light on the not-so-good. I’m proud of what I’ve been able to do despite the struggles, but I wanted to let whoever’s out there that needs to hear it that it’s okay if you’re struggling through this pandemic. Most people are.
Be kind to yourself, give yourself space to be sad, upset, anxious, angry, and do what you need to do to get yourself through the day. You will make it through this and come out stronger on the other side. Talk to someone about how you’re feeling and take manageable steps towards building yourself back up. I’m going to share what’s worked best for me on Instagram so look out for that.
We’ve got this. ♥