Today I woke in a pretty bad place. I was feeling paralyzed. I couldn’t get up out of bed. And normally feelings like this, mornings like this, would have sent me into a downward spiral that could last for days, weeks, or months…but today I said fuck that.
I got out of bed and I started doing small things that made me feel just a little bit better. And I built on that momentum until it took less and less effort to get myself to do things. And that’s one of the hardest parts of depression, the fact that you can know all the things that would make you feel better, but something inside you just won’t let you do them.
I just had a realization one day that there were two parts to me. My real, conscious being that was screaming for me to get help, to take a shower, to stop drinking and there was my self-destructive subconscious that was poisoning my mind and ruining my life with “you’re not good enough”, “you will never find your purpose”, and “you will always suffer, so get used to it.”
There is only one real me. If I can observe my thoughts, I am not my thoughts. There is nothing wrong with me, there is something wrong with my thought patterns. And if I can observe those thought patterns, I can begin to break them down. It is not easy by any means and it feels like an actual battle at times, but with each time I fight back against it, I strengthen myself for the next battle.
Separating yourself from those thoughts is the way to begin.
And this morning (after hours of panicking until I was paralyzed and then going back to sleep to avoid the world and then starting the cycle over again) I noticed that this evil voice was telling me “you’re not working hard enough”, “you’re lazy”, and “you’re about to get sucked into a cycle of suffering that you can’t get out of” and I said, “nope!” And I turned my whole day around.
This is something I have only recently found the power to do and I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time. So if you’re reading this from the depths of a dark hole and thinking to yourself “yeah sure I’ll get right on that. I can barely make it through the day, but let me start a war in my mind.” Know that I know exactly how that feels. You will make it through. Just take it one day at a time.
Stephanie Lundgren 